I have so much I want to tell you, but I’m going to start with I miss you.
I miss my best friend of God knows how many years. I miss the person I grew up with, the person I cared about, the person I told all my secrets and fears to, and a person I truly loved, who would never love me back.
We are not on good or bad terms. We are not enemies or friends. The person that I want to see and tell everyone about, you now know nothing about me.
Do you ever think about the memories we shared? the secrets we told? Those close memories that I hold close to my heart, do they not mean anything to you anymore?
I want to tell you that while you went to college, and found other people to replace me, and started calling someone new your best friend. I was getting forgotten, and soon you never even messaged me. Or smiled when you walked past. Or talked to me…at all.
I want to tell you that while your life was improving, I was almost hospitalised and I wanted to overdose, and that I was getting bullied and I was in an unhealthy relationship, and that my depression was worse than ever and I struggled to leave my bed , and I was suicidal for months, and I had no friends. I wanted to tell you so many things. But mostly I wanted to ask you where were you.
Where were you when I was alone? And where were you when I was prepared to die?
But I will never ask you personally, because I know where you were. You were in your own life, with your own friends and family and your own cares and worried. And the saddest part? You didn’t even know anything about me or what I was going through, even when I tried to reconnect.
I hate that I am still hoping, that maybe one day you will want to see me to catch up, without me asking you first…and then you cancelling. I hate that I would cross oceans for you when you wouldn’t even cross a puddle for me. And I hate myself for crying over you, when I was never even a second thought in your mind this whole time. You gave up on me so easily, you gave up our friendship because sometimes I was sad and there was people who were more fun to be around. You left me so easily. You made me feel in the way of your life, you hurt me and I don’t think I can ever heal from that. The one person who I believed when you said you wouldn’t ever leave me. You left me when I needed you the most. Just like everyone else did.
So my last question is why?
Why would you do that to me after I gave you everything that I had?