Hello all! long time no post. And I know, fully my fault but I was a little occupied with the stresses of real life but yay I’m back now.
So…don’t let the title mislead you, were not gonna be talking about illegal drug abusing or using heroin today, but the even more common prescription drugs that are out there, such as antidepressants and antipsychotics. Both of which I have recently come off of. Go me.
So, where to begin. I was put on Prozac at about 14. Shocker, I know. But wanna know something even more impressive? It had no affect on my child brain whatsoever, half a glass of cider would have had me more buzzing than that. So after a lot of CBT (once again was very unhelpful for myself personally) I was medication free for a long time. Until last year.
I had a very difficult time around Winter last year and to cut a very long story short, because that deserves its very own blog post, I was in a very bad way and was almost hospitalised and was put on both Sertraline and Quetiapine. Which are an antidepressant drug and an Antipsychotic.
First of all, starting on these medications wasn’t bad for me, I had next to no side effects. Nothing went wrong. But it did make me feel bad within myself, as if I wasn’t able to cope with life without relying on some pills a stranger had mixed up in a lab. The stigma of it really got to me .But once I accepted that they were there to help me, and not make me seem like some psycho who needs constant happy pills ,I came to terms with living possibly long-term, on drugs. And initially, after a little while might I add, they did help lift my mood. But truthfully I do believe that it was a placebo effect and I very strongly believe that for myself,it is a mental thing, to almost wish myself better. Even my very insensitive doctor said, “well you can take them if you want but they won’t help you.”
And once again fast forwarding to a few months ago, after almost a year on these drugs, with fluctuating doses and amounts. I came to a point where I thought, you know what,I wanna have a go at this life thing, I want to feel things without the numb of my safe drugs. I want to feel my sadness and choose to be bigger than it, and more importantly….it was almost my birthday and alcohol is kinda a priority for that.
I phoned my doctor who agreed he felt I was ready and over a week he gradually reduced my Sertraline dose, and the same with the Quetiapine. And now I am drug free. Sounds simple, huh. I googled all of the side effects, and I was ready for everything that could go wrong. But what actually happened was nothing. Nothing at all. I still feel down sometimes, but then again I also feel happy sometimes, or scared ,or angry. I have emotions and it is okay to let myself feel them. No medication is gonna make you feel better overnight , and sometimes you may need them as a little helping hand when things get rough, there’s not shame in that and they are extremely common nowadays, just think of them as like glasses but for your brain,but with my depression I am strong enough now to support myself, and I am proud of that choice I made.
I feel as though people believe these drugs are quick fixes to their issues and all their depression will magically go away, but what I really want to put across is that they are sometimes over hyped, and more often than not, recovery all starts from within yourself…not just from a pill box alone.
The birthday champagne was worth it!
with love, Em-See xx